You and I Collide – Part 1

April 16.
I had been waiting for so many months to make this trip happen. Everyday, I had been researching thoroughly about the places I am going to visit, hotels and hostels to book in a perfect location, affordable flights and train to keep me connected accordingly and most of all, the people that I am going to meet like friends and family. I make sure that the days of my stay are worth it because I have a limited time to explore the west coast states.

I could say that my April – May trip was successful. Although, there were few bad things happened to me along the way like the guy who offered me a place to stay in LA and tried to touch me (Couchsurfing). Missed my trip to Multnomah Falls because I had a fever in Portland. Broke my phone in Fremont, Seattle the night before the day of my flight to San Francisco. Fell off the bike during my test ride in San Francisco. All of these are charge to experience. We can’t control the time and that’s how the way it is. We just have to accept and move on. Maybe depends on the situation?

April 18.
Twenty five hours of flight from the pacific to the states. Running across the alley of sadness, leaving the busy walks of life in Singapore and trying to find my way up to the serene town of Portland.

It was 12:45 pm when I reached the Oldtown station. As I got off the train, and stepped on the Toynbee tiles, the cold air kissed my cheeks to welcome my arrival. I got so much trouble when I was in LA that’s why I was feeling nervous at every step I made going to NW of Everett St. All I wanted is to reach my destination, and meet my host in Couchsurfing.

At the corner of 4th Ave, I called Michael and informed him that I am already outside of his apartment. I’m feeling shy. scared. nervous. excited. and tired. I was carrying my 65L backpack and I could feel that my backbones were almost breaking. I need to rest and forget all the worries.

Still feeling shy. I was trying to hide while talking to him over the phone telling him that I’m just around. I stepped forward to take a peek at the corner and I saw him looking for me. He was walking along the streets while his voice is getting closer and closer. I finally showed up. Glanced at him, smiled and said: “Hey!”

I feel comfortable. relaxed and free. He’s a very nice guy.

There are things that are bound to have no explanations at all. I met a guy who I never thought I will fall in love with.

—— Last edited 18th of August 2015. To be continued…

My broken ankle got friendzoned

Last Tuesday, I was going off to work and I accidentally tripped off our stairs. My flat shoes was really loose and the incident was too fast, I didn’t know it gonna be like that. LOL. So I asked my housemate to buy me a bandage and an ointment to treat for the moment before I go to the clinic after lunch time. The doctor prescribed me few medicines and given me two (2) days Medical Leave. It wasn’t that really bad, was just a minor sprain that twisted my ankle.

On the next day, I feel relieved but I could still feel some throbbing on my ankle. However, that night I’ll be having a dinner together with our creative team, and from other department. I don’t want to mention all the things in detailed, but to sum it up, the guy I used to see, joined us at the bar. He was a few hours late, but it’s okay, we just hang out as the night goes on.

A lot of laughter, jokes, mix emotions and shits happened that night. I didn’t really care but after our dinner, on our way home, I was with him sharing a cab. I felt something strange. I think I have a mood swings lately. I was just looking far at the window. Thinking too much and wishing that I want to end the night coz I had a rough day dealing with my sprain and my heart. Maybe I should stop chasing the stars that I could never even reach from afar. Fucking emo right? L-O-L.

I know this has been an obsolete lines to say but I’d really rather have a broken ankle than a broken heart. I may fell off the stairs and sprain my ankle many times, at least in few days or a week time, it’ll heal. Unlike falling in love, no matter how many days and years had passed, a broken heart can never be mend.

I met this guy

There’s this guy I met in an online dating app, it’s the so-called OkCupid. To be honest, most of the people there looking for fun, casual sex and if had a chance, a lover or a partner. I am not literally looking for fun, but I am just lurking around and see what’s going on, see the faces of handsome guys, and read their profile. Because I know I had no chance to date them because I am only an ordinary girl with no appeal. I am just a normal human being. There are guys who sends me messages, but it’s all the same like “Hi” “How are you” “Hello”… For me, it doesn’t make sense, maybe find another line to start a conversation?

Going back to the guy I just met a few days ago, well I think it’s already a week. It was so surprising that he is living behind our place. Just a few walks and tada! So I had a chance to meet him in person. The first time I met him, he said he’s just gonna pass by to my place since his way going to the bus stop is there. It’s unplanned and a surprise, so I went downstairs and saw him waiting for me. He’s very tall, about 186cm?? For me he is tall because I am Asian. He got a nice pointed nose, fair skin, deep set eye, I think his eye is blue, a dirty blonde hair (I am not good in naming hair colours though), and he smells good. He’s from Ukraine, decent and very friendly. Seems like I found a prince charming. hahaha.

I liked him, maybe love at first sight? haha. Maybe I got attracted by his height and eyes. The first time I saw him and talked to him, I am very nervous and I can’t even look at his eyes because I am shy. It was so funny he smelled me, I didn’t know he’s gonna do that… Luckily I smell nice haha :(( and I like when he smiles. The meeting was short because he got to go. I am so happy to see a guy like him. I went upstairs and left me a giggle.

After that, we used to talk in whatsapp, but I think I talk more. I used to share pictures that I took from different places and other funny stuffs I found in the internet. I asked him a lot of questions because I am interested to him. One day, I asked him what are his travel plans, if he had done diving or what he usually does in weekend. I wanted to go to Bali and try some water adventures there, and asked him if he wanna go. He would love too but then, he’s going to leave soon and besides he got no Indonesia VISA yet. He’s gonna leave Singapore maybe on the 1st or 2nd week of June and will fly to northern Europe. I feel like I got hit by a very sharp arrow in my heart and started to cry. But it’s okay, that’s how it is. People come and go, even a short period of time.

I had so much fun every time we take a walk in the park and chat about things. Share a few experiences. I wish he could stay longer because I want to make friends with him and hang out. He’s cool.

Lonely
photo credit: Waheed Akhtar Photography via photopin cc

I used to go behind Labrador Park, from there I walk going to Keppel Bay and Reflections. I like it because it is something I could never have. Something I can only see from far and would never have a chance to get in my hands. I see a lot of luxurious yatch, landed houses and condos. Happy family living together in a luxury. Very nice and neat place. Beautiful people and cute pets. I’ve been dreaming that one day I could bring my parents there, got a decent job that pays me well, travel and go to different places I want. Experience all the cultures and etc.

So this guy I met, I wish I could see him more often before he leaves Singapore. I want to spend sometime with him because I know he got interesting things to share with me.

Maybe I am lonely? Maybe I am looking for a partner? Maybe I am too tired being single? Maybe.
I don’t wanna be emo. As much as possible I stay away from my feelings because I might end up hurting myself again.
I also don’t want to assume and expect something because I know it’s not gonna happen. It won’t… and never will.

Here I am, wring this blog post, lonely, talking to myself. Why am I here? Why am I bound to be lonely?
I’m sick of being alone. Nobody wants to be alone, everyone deserves to be happy. Why can’t I be happy?

I hate that I love you

After a long years of waiting. I am still waiting. I know being single is not an issue, but sometimes, you will really feel lonely. We need someone who will be there to keep us inspired, give courage and make life worth to live. I know I still have my parents, they’re always there no matter what happen, and I love them. They are the reason why I exist and they gave me an everlasting love, patience and understanding. Mama and Papa, my heroes.

I may not be a spiritually-inclined person, but I still believe that God has a plan for us. As I grow up, I become mature, independent and adventurous. I still need someone who will love me 🙁 and will accept for who I am. After all, I am only a normal human being. I get hurt, I need love, I need a kiss to caress me when I feel alone, a shoulder to lean on… and fuck it… I don’t have someone to cherish the moment.

Few months ago, I remember I’ve been blogging about this guy I met in an online game. Approximately, it has been 6 months since the last time I talked to him, he said he’s gonna be busy… In the end, just the same ordinary story about my love life (well my e-love life I guess…) he disappeared without leaving any words. Four (4) guys over the internet ditched me. I know it sounds so fucking stupid, but what can I do? We’re in a tech-era. Social networking, online games, internet shit and this and that…

I had been an avid online girl gamer since year 2004. I played different MMORPG, and it has been my social life in the internet. On the other hand, I met some of the players in real life too. Up until now, I am still connected to some of my guild-mates even we are no longer playing games while others still play. Being a gamer, I had e-boyfriend(s), I also experienced e-dramas and sometimes when it’s too serious, it affects -real life. I came to the point that I stopped playing “Jade Dynasty” which is – the online game that I played for the longest period of time. I started at the original English version year 2008 called Zhu Xian published on Philippine server, and after the gaming publisher failed the marketing, I transferred to Jade Dynasty, US Server at year 2010. I once made a history in that game, and my name was never been a good impression because of the people who hated me. Some took it personally, some of them became my friends… and met them in real life too.

umarried

I hate that I love this guy up until now, even he’s no longer talking to me. I am still hoping to see him one day. I am still here waiting. I wrote this blog because, I am tired of online games, and I want to settle for a long term relationship. I am turning 24 this year, and do you think I am still young? Yes I am young, but I realized that the world is too small, and our life is too short. Who knows on the next day, there would be an accident? (Knock on the wood)… but just saying… Who knows? We will never know what will happen to our life, because life goes on and once it stopped, it’ll be a sad story if you never achieved something fruitful when you’re still in this earth.

Before I leave, I want to make my parents happy and be with someone’s arm. We’re all the same, and we want a family. I hate that I still love you although Kaan doesn’t really love me. I’m actually supposed to send my CVs and cover-letters to some New Zealand companies because I am hoping I could get another opportunity since my working visa in Singapore will gonna expire in 2 months. But then, I saw this guy suddenly got online in Skype, my emotion burst and made me cry… so I blogged again 🙁

I totally hate you… but I love you… still.

PS: I QUIT playing online games. There’s no way that I am getting back there. It just make me sad. I will travel the world, and that’s my quest.

I love my family

I miss my mom and dad. It has been 2 years since I didn’t celebrate Christmas and New Year’s Eve with them. I didn’t know being an Overseas Worker will give a huge impact about my attachment with my parents. Maybe it’s a part of growing up that I actually want to spend my time with them.

I am not saying that I’m already too old to say these things but I just feel more mature. When I was at age 16, I always want to stay away from them and do my own stuffs: be free, party all night, hang out with friends and just be happy. I realized that what I wanted is a selfish move. Maybe I didn’t understand yet how important to have a family.

Sometimes I feel guilty when I skip to talk to my mom in skype whenever she looks for me. I feel bad that I prefer to be busy and ignore them than to give atleast few minutes to talk and say how’s everything.

My parents are VIP to my life. They are always there no matter what happen, through rain or shine.

I was an avid online gamer that stays infront of my PC for more than 8 hours. Whenever I view myself from the past, I feel sad and at the same time – laughing. I miss my dad every-time he caught me playing games till 3am, I rush to glance in my bedroom. I miss my mom every-time I forgot to do household chores and argue with her. I miss my parents every-time I did something silly and both of them giving me non-stop lecture.

You’re always in my heart. I love you so much. Thank you for all the things  that you had done to me. You’re the best gift I ever had in my life.

To my mom: I know you’re talkative, but I think you’re just to overwhelmed and feel blessed to have me as your daughter. To my dad: I know you’re strict, but I think you’re just very careful with your only daughter. To both of you: I love you so much. You’re irreplaceable. Thank you so much for the hard-work and patience. I hope this 2014 will give us another hope, blessings and good health.

For all the people out there, love your family especially your parents. Spend all your time while they are still here. Better to do all the things before it’s too late and regret.

Forever like this

Here we go again. The undying #ForeverAlone moment.
The last time I mentioned about my #AssumingLoveLife was 3 months ago.
Here I am, still the same. Nothing change, and I think it would be forever like this.
It’s 1:49AM, Saturday… just an ordinary midnight. Silent night. Noisy fan. Everyone is sleeping and I’m the only one awake. I’ve been looking myself at the mirror –crying. Asking myself a dumb question “why?”.
My chest is aching.

People think that I am really a jolly person. I know and they know that I leave a mark on their face -smile and laughters. I made them happy through my funny real stories and jokes. I look confident, well I think I am. I boost their self esteem by sharing insights that I can possibly give.

It’s really true that: The happiest person are the ones who are the deeply brokenhearted.
After all the gratefulness to my friends, behind it, there’s a mourning soul seeking for love and affection.

I think, all of them are just really the same. Always end in broken promises, full of hopes and dreams, in the end, never gonna happen. Forever like this.

Couples around – some are happy, some are fighting.

But me, I’m broken and empty for the last 5 years. Still trying to stand on my own and think out of the box. I can still be happy and contented of what I am and what I have, but then, I’m always incomplete. I don’t know how I can really elaborate my feelings in a perfect details. I don’t know.

2:10AM. I only hear the fan’s noise. I’m dying inside.

Untitled. Well, about life.

Before I lost my thoughts again from writing stuffs to share, I’ll type random keywords to make me stay on track.

Life. problems. sickness. health. family. money. rumors. around us. alone. stay. friends. advice. love. pain. age. span.

These words are the reason why I am writing this blog. I went out earlier with my friends to watch movie marathon of Despicable Me 1 and 2. After that, we stroll and had a chance to talk about serious things in life. During our conversation, I realized that I am not the only one who have such serious problems with family. We are not alone. You are not alone. Even King and Queen have problems too. Each one of us have its own stories. So do not think that you’re the only unfortunate human being.

Every night, before I sleep, (not being emo), I cry all the things that comes from my head. First, because of my appearance, next is because of my health, then my family, and the money, the people around me, then being alone, that I need love, that my heart is aching, and so on and so forth. Everyday we struggle from work, from the people we deal with, and those expenses to keep us surviving.

At age of 21, I started to work as an “OFW” also known as “Overseas Filipino Worker”. I think I am really on my own even when I am studying in college. I have circle of friends, but I still mind my own business. I’m a very independent person; I can do things on my own because I believe that family, friends and other people can give you a best advice or a moral support that will make you inspired, but in the end, it’s still your decision. No other people can help you except yourself. It’s all about YOU.

I talked to my grandma in USA few hours ago. I discovered so many things that a mature person should know. I feel sad of what’s happening around my family. It made me think of how am I going to help them financially. My dad has a serious problem with his heart, and it needs a nanogram or whatever it called, I really totally forgot. It’s something has to do with the blockage of heart. Sorry for the term. Anyways, lets’ move on. But yeah. My parents are old and they have health problems. I know they don’t want to stress me and obliged too much because I’m still young. That they understand I just recently graduated from college, (well I don’t know if it’s still exempted because that was year 2011). They want me to enjoy life. But still, my conscience is eating me up. I want to help them. I love them. They are precious to me. They are priceless. No one can replace them. They are the reason why I am here right now. How I wish I could turn everything possible in one blink of eye. I want them to witness my success and my future family. That we are a happy family.

It was 4years ago since I broke up with my serious ex-boyfriend due to some serious problems. We can’t get along, even we really try so hard. It’s too tough and we can’t hold on anymore. So we have to give up and move on. I’ve been single after that, and I am still looking for love and affection. Though sometimes I am happy, but still, there’s something incomplete. I had dated different guys, but it failed. So much heartaches, so much lies, so much pain.

Right now, it’s 3:51 AM, and I still have a dilemma in my situation. Well, I am going to meet this guy from Turkey whom I used to know in an online game. We had been e-dating, chatting in skype, calling via phone calls, and spending moments in a virtual game. We decided to meet and planned to see each other this coming August, but due to some document problems, I have to wait for the completion of his documents to be submitted for my VISA application. I’m really hoping that everything would be alright and smooth. I also don’t know what will happen to me there. I’m closing my eyes hoping that he’s the right one, but who knew? I really don’t have any idea. Will he like me? Will his attitude change in real life? Will he accept who I am. Will he stay with me? Will he love me completely? Will he??? Sometimes I am scared. I feel like my heart is crushing and telling myself that I am so desperate yearning for love. But I think, I really need him. Maybe I am too lonely? Maybe I need a companion?

I don’t know if there are people who are reading my blog. But I am very thankful if you are one of them and lending your time to browse through. I really appreciate it. I have so many things that I’d really love to share. It’s just when I type, I don’t know where to start, but I have the idea. Maybe there’s something wrong with my grammar. I’d like to write a book. Full of stories and inspirational words. Maybe someday.

Get up and TRY

Have you ever experienced any misunderstanding, judgement, contradictions and any other things that will lead to fire up a relationship? I agree that there’s no such perfect relationship. In any instance, without knowing when will it happen, it is the nature of love. There is no definite and exact consistent explanation why “LOVE” is meant that way. It’s just how it is and we can’t do anything about it. Love is too powerful.

I came across to this music video when I was browsing in YouTube randomly. I like P!NK, she is cool, but this one… this really caught my attention as well as the rhythm of the song. If I am going to rate this, it’ll gonna be 100 out of given 10 stars.

This song is a rock ballad, about taking risks with love, no matter the consequences. It also talks about hanging onto one’s dreams and aspirations even if it means taking risks. The video features flashes of color and is heavily metaphorical, portraying an unhealthy, tormented relationship through artistic usage of the two performers’ bodies.

Reference: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Try_%28Pink_song%29

P!NK — TRY LYRICS:

Ever wonder about what he’s doing
How it all turned to lies
Sometimes I think that it’s better to never ask why

Where there is desire
There is gonna be a flame
Where there is a flame
Someone’s bound to get burned
But just because it burns
Doesn’t mean you’re gonna die
You’ve gotta get up and try try try
Gotta get up and try try try
You gotta get up and try try try

Eh, eh, eh

Funny how the heart can be deceiving
More than just a couple times
Why do we fall in love so easy
Even when it’s not right

Where there is desire
There is gonna be a flame
Where there is a flame
Someone’s bound to get burned
But just because it burns
Doesn’t mean you’re gonna die
You’ve gotta get up and try try try
Gotta get up and try try try
You gotta get up and try try try

Ever worried that it might be ruined
And does it make you wanna cry?
When you’re out there doing what you’re doing
Are you just getting by?
Tell me are you just getting by by by

Where there is desire
There is gonna be a flame
Where there is a flame
Someone’s bound to get burned
But just because it burns
Doesn’t mean you’re gonna die
You’ve gotta get up and try try try
Gotta get up and try try try
You gotta get up and try try try
Gotta get up and try try try
Gotta get up and try try try
You gotta get up and try try try
Gotta get up and try try try

You gotta get up and try try try
Gotta get up and try try try

More Than You’ll Ever Know

I used to listen to this song… and something that really flashes back my memory.

I know living with me ain’t always easy
I dam up emotions some men just let flow
But girl when you’re not by my side I feel a part of me has died
‘Cause I love you more than you’ll ever know

More than life more than I’ve ever loved before
It’s absurd and beyond words
I couldn’t want you more
And when I try to pour my hear out to you
I’m not sure it shows
That I love you more than you’ll ever know

I’m sure you’ve heard it said hearts have windows
But mine has doors a painful past has closed
Unless someday they open wide revealing feelings locked inside
I’ll love you more than you’ll ever know

More than life more than I’ve ever loved before
It’s absurd and beyond words
I couldn’t want you more
And when I try to pour my hear out to you
I’m not sure it shows
That I love you more than you’ll ever know

Even when I pour my heart out to you
I’m not sure it shows
That I love you more than you’ll ever know
Yes I love you more than you’ll ever know

If I could only see him.